My life as an experiment

I am currently experiencing severe difficulties in all aspects of life and as part of my understanding and approach to healing, I have been guided to heal myself. A part of this journey means a drastic rewiring of my mind, thoughts and beliefs in ways that is required to rewrite your entire being in flow on a deep soul level. It’s been one hell of a ride.

I am having to really sit with every thought, belief and understanding and dig deep in ways I haven’t done before.

I’m also having to heal my aura which for me means analysing every aspect of my emotions, thought patterns and beliefs and besides the other things are required. Because it’s all energy and your aura is your energy field. Mine currently has holes in it, more about that some other time.

When you’re constantly being bombarded with negativity, it’s becomes increasingly hard to be in flow or to create. I was told I must heal myself using my work, so I’m figuring this out as I go along with no cooking clue as to what’s next. So I’ve turned my life and self into my own experiment. Much like the idea of evolve or repeat, only this time it’s not repeat it’s complete anarchy.

For context, some basic understandings

that are my starting points : My beliefs about myself are my beliefs about Allah; Allah does not change a condition of a people until they change what is within themselves and knowing your nafs will bring you to the knowledge of God. So I’m doing the inner and outer work from these standpoints.

If you’ve read my piece entitled “let me tell you a story about a little girl” then you may know that my patterns and life lessons have been interesting to say the least. Now here I am, required to evolve again with challenges that are out of this world, because evolution usually comes in the form of a complete dismantling and tests so intense they crush bones and hearts.

In all of this overwhelm and stress I’m required to have laser sharp focus and vision. And you know focus is the last thing on your mind when you’re trying to survive, let alone take inspired action.

To help myself my daily routine is:

Morning prayers with Sufi meditations and protections

Written affirmations

Resetting my DNA and beliefs meditations

On with normal daily life as much as I can

Evening Sufi meditations

And ending off with heavy doses of protection prayers

The thing is when your trying to heal your aura, you also have to heal your mind and body. My aura is so badly affected, that my body has become diseased. So besides having to deal with panic, I now also have to be focussed.

So as I’m retraining my mind to be more positive and solutions based, I asked for signs that I’m on the right path and that it’s working. Most days I’m left questioning what I’m doing and if it’s even worth it. But then I get those signs.

The ones that let know me with no uncertainty that I’m on the right track and am being guided and that I just have to persevere. It takes consistency and patience. My false ego is crying wanting everything to be over and for things to return as they were before. And it dawns me on that things will never be as they were before. But my mind, thinking it is keeping me safe, goes into panic mode. Now that’s a thing, because how it was before wasn’t that fantastic so I really don’t know what I’m holding on to. I set an intention that I never want to repeat anything that I went through before, meaning that I was willing to do all the work and learn all the soul lessons in order  to evolve. Yet, here I was resisting my path. The one that I chose to walk and promised to fulfill. The irony of it all. The battle of my soul.

The signs keep coming but I’m still questioning… How we cause our own problems.

I asked for signs, I’m getting signs and then I want more signs to prove that I can trust the signs. Self sabotage on new levels. The good things is I’m able to recognise these patterns which already means there’s change.

So what does my work teach me:

Put the problem behind you, as in the past.

Break it down and change your language and mindset to solutions and ease.

Imagine how things would be if you resolved the problem.

Let that energy grow.

Be consistent.

The person who enters the storm is not the same who comes out of the storm. Allah only tests a person with what they can handle. So I can handle this and I can and will heal.

I don’t know the how or when but I have renewed belief in the possibility and that’s good enough for me right now