Focus on Yourself

If you are anything like me, which you are because you are here and we are all mirrors of each other, then you have probably spent a lot of time looking at or “blaming” others for your situation or condition. It may sound like: “I can’t do this because I have to take care of so and so; If only so and so wasn’t so, then my situation would be different; I have to take care of so and so and have no time for myself; I don’t have money, time, energy, capacity for myself because so and so is like this or I have to do so and so…” Basically the idea that people and or life is happening to you and not necessarily in a good way.

Sound familiar?

I was there for a very long time, too long in fact. Focusing on everyone and everything other than myself, thinking it was love, help and how life was supposed to be. Here are some reasons why this approach does not work even if most of society uses it:

1. Allah does not change a condition of a people until they change what is within themselves (Q 13:11) so we have a responsibility as conscious beings to change our condition and strive to affect change in our lives. Now hear me out, this does not mean trying to get your spouse, kids, parents, friends, community, colleagues to change. And at no point does the understanding of changing ones own condition mean that I have to tolerate, blame, shame, justify or try to get anyone else to change, no matter how much I love them. We often get this wrong and call it love or obligation. I know this because I was there until I learnt better.

Now I prefer to look at it as learning how to hold space and allowing the next person to naturally unfold. It is far more loving and empowering. You are then able to recognize who is in alignment with your values and way of thinking, which then makes you an active participant in choosing who you want in your life. For example, you can not change your family but you can heal the parts of yourself that is looking for external validation, approval, worthiness, acceptance from others or feels isolated and alone, so that you shift the emotional charge and attraction. When you do this, the outside reality changes because the internal lens has changed. Your condition changes because you have changed what is within yourself. This does not mean that your family changes, but rather that you have changed on the inside and no longer respond and react in old ways, in so doing you interact with them differently.

2. We are required to have a good opinion of Allah in that Allah teaches us that “I am as my servant thinks I am (Hadith Qudsi). So what does striving to change my own condition, having a good opinion of Allah and what we think of ourselves have to do with each other?

Most think that we have to force ourselves to be satisfied and joyful whilst going through difficulty or challenges. Why this had me perplexed is because through our human condition, we experience a range of emotions including sadness, heartache and pain and everything has a purpose, when we try to bypass this under the banner of spirituality, we inadvertently dissociate from ourselves and everyone around us. Instead, by accepting our humanness, we can experience a range of conflicting emotions at the same time and it does not make us any less spiritual or ungrateful, there is space for the entire range of emotions and more in our consciousness. The idea of black and white thinking stems from perfectionism, poor emotional awareness and regulation and is a trauma response. When we force ourselves to be satisfied without taking our human condition into consideration, we cause ourselves more harm. Now Allah is not here to harm us, for He loves us 40 times more than our mothers. So what makes us go into “you must be patient” mode instead of actively dealing with the struggles in our lives:

We do not know how because we did not witness healthy emotional expression, healthy problem solving, conflict resolution and communication from our significant others growing up, so we do not know what healthy interactions look like. I noticed from my own upbringing, when there was a difficult situation, my significant others would retreat to the prayer mat. Whilst this is excellent, it did not effectively solve the problem, simply because the important aspect of taking inspired action in the form of communication, setting boundaries, sharing concerns, or coming to workable solutions did not happen. So we rely on prayer but forget the important aspect of outward action, this creates more unnecessary harm than good. It’s unbalanced. We then think this is spirituality however its another form of spiritual bypassing. Being patient means actively striving to change your condition, sometimes this means having to walk into the “fire”, that is why most people shy away from it.

This can be remedied by learning how to have healthy emotional expression, healthy problem solving, to resolve conflict, how to communicate, and unlearning all the unhealthy coping strategies we unconsciously took on. Learning how disempowering beliefs have created patterns of dysfunction in our lives and a lack mindset or beliefs like “I will only get happiness in the next life” or “I cant have my needs met” has a huge impact on how we resultantly deal with our struggles. Now remember, Allah is not here to harm us, but we do have life lessons to learn in order to evolve; its purification of the nafs (false ego).

If Allah is all compassionate and merciful and love us unconditionally, then what limiting beliefs do we need to shift in order to match Allah’s promise. A common misconception is “love is pain”. Again this comes from unconscious conditioning. For example: Baby 1 is born and is treated with love and encouragement. Their growth and individuality are supported and guidance and autonomy is given. This baby grows into an adult who is confident, has healthy boundaries and can communicate their needs well and as a result as healthier boundaries and relationships. Baby 2 is born and is called derogatory names, told and shown constantly there is something wrong with them, learns that love is conditional, and is not given sufficient guidance or support. This baby grows into an adult with low self esteem, has poor boundaries and cannot communicate effectively and resultantly has more unhealthy interactions and relationships. Both babies were born in a state of fitrah, innate purity, however due to conditioning, they turned out differently. There are exceptions to this but generally speaking, these are how patterns manifest in our lives. So what we think is love, our fate or even our personalities, are just beliefs and understandings we took on from our significant others. When we unlearn this, we begin to align to Allah’s love, compassion and mercy because we come from a place of love not lack.

3. You have to be brutally honest with the role that you play in your own suffering. This one is a killer. Most people rather want to continue with what is comfortable even when is its devastatingly painful, than actually change their conditions. I am not referring to blaming and shaming yourself, that does not help anyone, I am referring to taking full and radical responsibility for yourself and your life. If you don’t like your life, learn your patterns and change it. If you don’t like your relationship, identify your lessons and change it. If you don’t like you job, get a new one. If you don’t like the way your body looks, deal with your insecurities and make healthier choices if applicable. If you feel like you’re not making enough money, change your beliefs about money and rizq or abundance and then change it. Allah is loving and abundant. Allah can make anything happen, does your belief match Allahs promise? You have all the resources within you to change your condition, however the desire to change has to be stronger than your desire to stay the same. This takes work, persistence and effort on your behalf. The battle against the nafs (false ego)

4. Also for a heart that is connected through God consciousness, everyone and everything is a manifestation of Allah because He is known through His creation. So if Allah is manifest in everyone, then everyone is a unique being of Allahs love and has something unique to offer. When we begin to see others through this lens, it also changes our perspectives. We become more tolerant and compassionate, however for the ones who have not learnt the art of discernment or boundaries, it becomes a dangerous melting pot of enmeshment and heartache. Simply because everyone is not for you and you are not for everyone. For all my fellow empaths, you know what this feels like. Basically living in other peoples emotional and energetic fields is not enjoyable but again can be remedied by drawing back your energy, doing spiritual practices to protect yourself and learning how to discern and no longer trying to “fix people”. Oh yes, because trying to fix people is also a trauma response, so when you focus on yourself, heal your trauma and learn your lessons, you evolve and move forward in life.

Focus on yourself.

Look at it as going inward and really exploring yourself without any judgement, a beautiful understanding of the self, the good and the bad. Learning your patterns, emotional triggers, trauma, unconscious conditioning and all the adaptations you have taken on in order to survive. Then make more informed choices about what you want to increase, what you want to shift and what you want to completely release. Life happens through you, not to you.