Let me tell you a story about a little girl who is me…

[TRIGGER WARNING/ VULNERABLE POST]

Writing is a form of creative and emotional expression for me. It comes in the form of journaling where I can gather my thoughts and emotions as well as process things, in the form of writing stories and story telling, and also as poetry. I suppose it stems from my youth where I absolutely loved reading books and spent many hours in the library completely immersed in different realms.

When I first wrote this piece it came with floods of all kinds of tears and emotions, as I integrated the lessons of my life into a compacted journey of self discovery and healing which I use as a roadmap to empower others.

It’s these wisdoms, insights and so much more that allows me to sense and heal unmet and unspoken emotional needs and shine the light on your inner being.

Real experience and real healing, where I had to put the fragmented parts of me back together in so many ways. Where I am able to take the emotional, psychological and logical and mirror the deeply spiritual back to you.

Where I teach Alchemy

Here goes…

I remember my birth, more significantly, I remember how I inherited my mothers anxiety and stress, as she was giving birth to her fifth daughter whom she had unexpectedly at age 40.

I was the "laat lammetjie" (born many years after my siblings)

I felt her low self esteem and how it was a generational wound that needed healing in our maternal line. The after effects on the women for having lived through colonisation, world wars and apartheid.

I was loved and cared for.

I remember how my father played with me and used to throw me in the air and catch me at age two. I still have a love for swings to this day. It's the weightlessness, freedom and joy of being up in the air.

I had my tonsils removed at age 3. And that was when things changed for me.

Not because of the operation but because we had to come home to my fathers funeral. He passed away from a heart attack in his sleep at age 47.

He was the main bread winner, a tailor in the South African Defense Force, my mother was a stay at home mom with 5 girls ranging between the ages of 14 to 3. I was the 3 year old.

In fact it wasn't his death that was the tipping point but rather the emotional and psychological chaos that ensued because I felt alone.

You see I used to sleep in the bed with my parents, so my younger self didn't understand and couldn't express herself when daddy just wasn't there any more or why mommy was angry, crying, stressed and anxious all the time. I was an affectionate, curious and insightful child, who used to ask many questions. But was often met with "shut up", "stop asking so many questions", and "just do what I say". All this was very contradictory to my childhood self, who didn't feel safe. I also grew up with the narrative that I cried my father to death, because apparently I cried a lot as a child. I didn't know then that all children cry a lot, especially those who experience trauma like the sudden loss of a parent.

I was conditioned to be a good girl, you know the kind of conditioning that comes with severe emotional blackmail, gaslighting, spiritual abuse, constant criticism, blame and shame. A recipe for the complete dismantling of a healthy attachment style. With screams and threats of "Allah gaan vir jou straf" (God will punish you), jy's evil (you're evil), "ophou tjank" (stop crying) which naturally made me cry more, "watter soorte kind is jy" (what kind of a child are you) and"wat gaan mense se" (what will people say). All these were in kombuis Afrikaans, a colloquial form of the language, which made it more intimidating for younger me. Where extended family members were allowed to mock me as well, because apparently someone being older than you reserved them the right to ridicule you, and you had to respect your elders right?!

All this was overwhelmingly stressful for younger me, who didn't feel safe.

My mother went away for pilgrimage when I was 4. In my now already anxious and abandonment wary childhood mind, both parents were gone. My aunt, uncle and their kids came to stay with us but I really don't remember much.

I used to wet the bed far beyond the ages of 3 and 4 and also started biting my nails. My nervous system was already hard wired for stress and anxiety.

Any guesses why?

No one noticed when I would call my eldest male cousin "daddy" or would day dream and tell stories about having an older brother, someone who would protect me. My little self was just looking for love and safety, and easily shared her love by giving hugs, cuddles and kisses, and exploring everything around her.

When I was 6, I threw a knife at my sister. It struck her beneath the eye. I didn't know that any of this was dangerous, only when everyone starting shouting and panicking did I realize something was not right. I do clearly remember the constant judgement, blame, shame and ridicule I received that I was evil, bad and tried to blind my sister. I wasn't told what was happening at the time that could have created the situation and it didn't occur to my 6 year old mind that there was no way she could be evil or bad. But she believed this anyway because her significant others, whom she looked up to, told her so.

At age 7 my best friend from grade 1 didn't return to school the following year. I felt abandoned all over again, but didn't have the language or emotional awareness to understand it. I stole money to buy sweets at school that year, but no one saw my cry for help or my emotional pain, in a society that is focused on outward achievements, a childs' emotional needs were hardly ever recognized, let alone met.

By now I had already formed so many unconscious beliefs about myself and how to deal with emotional pain, which included, extreme independence, hyper vigilance, perfectionism, repressing emotions, spiritual bypassing, sacrificing myself in order to receive love, and with the deeply ingrained limiting beliefs that I'm not worthy, not lovable and I'm all alone simply because I had to deal with big life changes, that my significant others where not able to deal with all on my own since age 3.

Come teenage rebellion with a whole lot of risk taking and shitty boyfriends and then adulthood this shitty husbands. My formative years of feeling abandoned and alone, emotionally dissociating, and with heavy doses of guilt, blame and shame deeply entrenched in my psyche, affected all my relationships, especially the one with myself and how I saw the world.

In my early twenties, I met my spiritual guide and for the first time in my life my heart found peace in the face of a Wali of Allah, a friend of God. I ran with my heart because my soul recognized divine Love. My significant others did not understand my journey and fought me every step of the way. I have endured many injustices at the hands of those who love me, the patterns in my life. I had to be strong in so many ways at such a youthful age as I walked my chosen path. Maybe I'll write more about this chapter someday...

Later on in life, and shortly after getting married for the second time, I found out my husband was a heroine addict, the martyr in me kicked in in full force, I had to make this work. Maybe if I tried hard enough, he'd heal, treat me better and not abandon me. I had already experienced so much trauma in my twenties, that I was determined to make this work. Afterall, I knew what unexpressed emotional pain looked and felt like. So I had to save him, right! Like when I was 3 and wanted someone to save me.

Our relationship had all the makings of a trauma bond. One built on our unconscious childhood wounds, with his addiction meaning lots of manipulation, lying, stealing, constant trauma and so much more. Now, remember these things were strangely too familiar for me because I was conditioned to abandon myself since childhood. So, I didn't associate these things as red flags, only as someone who needed help. Also, remember I was a martyr and a perfectionist, so while my personal life was falling apart, my professional life was flourishing. I was what one would say was suffering from high functioning depression. If you had to look at me on the outside, I had my shit together and I made it look easy.

Afterall my childhood conditioning was "what will people say".

So save him I did at the complete loss of myself. And how did he show his love and appreciation? By taking a second wife and lying about it. Strangely enough that was enough for me because ironically all the other dire situations, the back and forth, the constant trauma just wasn't enough for me. I finally left for good.

Even now, the term abuse does not resonate with me, simply because I do not see myself as a victim or a survivor.

Verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse are all forms of abuse. Emotional neglect is a form of abuse. Childhood emotional neglect is more subtle, deep reaching and has more long lasting effects, because children don't stop loving their significant others, they stop loving themselves. Childhood emotional neglect goes by unnoticed like a deadly cancer eating you from the inside out.

I am a woman who lived from her unconscious patterns until she learnt not to.

And now she chooses better, to do better and be better. "Trauma is not what happens to you, trauma is what happens inside as a result of what happens to you" ~ Dr Gabor Mate.

So here's a perspective, most people are traumatized and need healing. To learn how to love, to love themselves, to love others and to experience unconditional divine love.

We've heard the saying of hurt people, hurt people; well healed people, heal people.

My healing journey started years ago and is a constant. It's not my mothers fault or my maternal line of strong women, they were doing the best they could with the understanding they had at the time. It's not my fathers fault either, it was destined for his soul to return home. It's no ones fault, every one was always doing the best they could with the resources they had available at the time, including myself. It was written by the best of writers, to bring me back to Him.

I realized that my psyche, emotional and spiritual body still needed to unlearn and release these patterns. The generational trauma stops with me because I chose to heal. My reconciliation with myself, others and God takes many forms, one of which is my chosen path of spirituality called Sufism, which has it’s prophetic roots in God’s Oneness and Divine spiritual Love, and its’ cultural roots with my ancestors who came from Indonesia. They were political prisoners who were enslaved and brought to Cape Town and were spiritual giants and special friends of God, known as Walis’ (saints). They spread Islam in its true essence of Divine Love in my city and beyond.

The path I follow has its’ roots in Senegal, West Africa. My soul knew Divine Truth at first glance when I met my spiritual guide, who is a doctor who deals with the ailments of the soul. Sufi meditation known as thikr, is a deeply spiritual way of connecting to God and healing the mind, body and soul. My ancestors recited these thikrs to help them cope with the severe atrocities and abuse from their colonial oppressors. It’s these sufi meditations that have helped and guided me to reframe and heal many traumas.

I also learnt Neuro-Linguistic Programming and became an advanced lifecoach. NLP stands for Neuro; which is the brain and nervous system, Linguistic; which is the language we use and Programming; which is the automatic programs and unconscious habits we have. It’s the study of the 3, its interconnectedness, what we can do with it and what it means.

I use these modalities to heal myself and guide others to heal themselves in the work I do, where I serve those ready to unlearn, evolve, transform and shine from the soul.

My healing journey has taught me that most people are like me, traumatized and living out there unconscious patterns. So I cannot judge. Our lives are all just love stories between Lover and Beloved, but only if you are willing to walk the path. Some hearts return home and others don’t. Most people are living out there unconscious patterns. Some want to evolve and grow, others don’t. So choose wisely.

Our traumas have created deep generational and childhood wounds that manifest as limiting beliefs and disempowering patterns in our lives. Returning to yourself is a beautiful unlearning of who you are beneath cultural conditioning, inaccurate conclusions you drew as children and other peoples opinions.

These limiting beliefs are beliefs like “I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, I'm all alone and no one understands me”, etc. These patterns affect every aspect of our lives and relationships until we recognize, unlearn and heal them.

The amazing thing with healing this way is that it allows you to easily shift perspectives and thus change the narrative, reconcile the past, rewrite your story and actively create and live a more fulfilling life.

You get to change your state.

For me, I only want to be better than who I was before. I have learnt that you can reinvent yourself at 35, 45, 65, at any age and stage of life. Your soul is timeless and knows the way. The task is to quiet the mind.

We were created to be pieces of heaven on earth. To transform our traumas into triumphs, our pain into paradise and our life into love. As a coach, I serve as a mirror to show you how.